.*crazy ass dream.

Last night I had one of my craziest dreams yet. LOL. So I had a dream I had my black jeep Cyndi Lou back, and I was hanging out with my friend J. Mezzy. But I was going to the store to get plates cuz we had cake but I rode by myself (LoL..mad random). I was in Mt. Airy by my grandma's old house and I had to pee sooo bad I was about to piss on myself..lol. So I dunno I stopped in this little deserted parking lot and I was looking in the glove box for some napkins..I finally found them and was bout to get out when some dude came up on the right side like let me in..and i kept trying to put the door locks back on but I was panicking so I unlocked them instead and he hopped in.

Dude had a gun and I don't know if he was tryna car jack me or rob me..but he was telling me to drive or he would shoot me. So I started to back up and turn out but at the same time I was trying to dail 911 on my phone cuz I was mad scared. So after I backed up I sent the call and he seen me so he put the gun to me. And I dunno I snapped in my mind something told me the cops wouldn't come and if I took the chance I could handle it..so I just grabbed his hand with the gun in it and bent his fingers back and he dropped it. I climbed on top of him and restrained him by both arms..talking shit the whole time. LOL. Then I took one of my hands and was searching the area for some type of weapon. I found a pencil and a fine tooth comb, but the end of da comb was metal with a sharp tip..a comb used for highlighting. So I took the comb and told him I would stab him in the eye if he aint get the fuck out. And i kept putting the sharp tip on his eyeball n pressing lightly so he knew I was not playing. So i told him to climb over the seat and open the back door. At this point, a car came and asked me was everything okay.

I started balling like. "No...he was trying to kill me..please don't leave"..LMAo..so i push him out the back seat and I am scared to just let him go, because even thou these people are there I am thinking about him reversing the roles or having another weapon..So i dunno i start body slamming him on the concrete and after six or seven times he was looking lifeless. I kept telling myself..this is the last time I am going to slam him..but I was so angry I kept going for it. I see him looking dead, and I start trippin. Like omg I killed him. The other car leaves, and I started crying again..and i dunno some dude that I knew his face but not his name came outta no where and told me to get in my car. He started driving and just leaves the scene. And then I woke up. I woke up like IMA MURDERER!!!!!.....LMAo..I am fucking crazy.

"Just me && my guitaR..yea BiTcH iM heavy MeTaL."

.*normal???

What does normal really mean?? The definition of normal changes depending on the situation and person. So who gets to classify normal from dissident??..Who sets the standards for what normal is??

Well, I feel like my life can never be normal. I am a star so I will forever shine, however, I just want to blend in. I want to be remembered, but I don't want the spotlight. If that makes any sense. Normal to some is a wife/husband, kids, career, white picket fence, and life moving by on a schedule. Then to others normal is playing by the rules, always doing what their suppose to, not questioning life, just working and coming home. To me, normal is none of thee above..lol.

Normal is being able to step into a room and not have all eyes on you. Normal is being able to go a month without something goin on with family. Normal is being able to go completely without hearing your name in the streets about some dumb made-up bullshit. Normal is being able to not question how someone feels. Normal is being able to depend on someone other than myself. Normal is not always having the answer's to other people's problems. Normal is getting out what I put in.

My demeanor shows my class, therefore, that plus my looks give me attention. My family is crazy and dysfunctional so there is always something. My strong presence keeps haters with my name in their mouth. My ability to second guess, and a need for stability in life allows me to question a person's intentions. My independence disables me to look for someone else take care of me, I don't like the feeling of having to ask someone to do something for me. My personality brings comfort so I am asked for advice in abundance, and I am always thinking so my mind weighs out all possible outcomes to any situation. My understanding of patience is a virtue, and being considerate allows me to be more understanding than the "normal" woman would. The softer side of me that has a need to feed into what that side needs allows me to be content without settling for less. So the answer to that is no, I can never be normal.

I don't want to be the normal that completely blends in with everyone else, because in reality I am a dissident. I love everything about me that makes me the crazy fun person I am, and everything that sets me apart from all other females. I love that I will never be like anyone or everyone else. However, I do want my life to be normal. I want to be able to drop off the scene and not hear anything about myself, I want to have family peace, I want to live a normal life, by my definition of what normal should be..and far away from the state I love and hate all at the same time. I am happy tho..do not get me wrong, I can not complain, my life is so fulfilling, and in a really good direction..God is sooo good to me. However, I just desire to be "normal". Might not understand, but it makes sense to me.

"Yes, iM da BEST..and No, iM not positive iM DeFiNite..
I kNo da GaMe..LiKe iM ReFFiNg iT."

.*pimp c.

I have many thoughts on this subject. Firstly, I was in udder dismay when I learned of his death. That hurt intensely. Pimp C is not only a rap legend, but had great promise to bless the world with tons more profound talent that only he could produce. Plus, he was fresh out of prison, with the shine and recognition UGK had been denied in the past, and was rightfully owed. It’s such a tragedy to have to take notice of his passing.

I am still unsure of his actual cause of death. However, I did read in the very first few news presses directly following his death; the family asked everyone to reserve their assumptions on how he died until the official autopsy report came back. Since then, I have read on Wikapedia that he died from accidental overdose of too much “purple drink”. Purple drink in other words is Lean. Which consist of promethazine and codeine. But you know, you can’t always trust Wikapedia cuz people can write whatever they want on there. I did see that somewhere else to, so based on those two articles I am going to say he drunk too much Lean. Damn, so sad and so unexpected. I was elated to learn Pimp C got out. Then he dropped Pimpalation and that album cranks soOoO hard. I couldn’t wait for the next debut. In light of last years events..there will be no new debuts, only hits he made before he left. Pimp C, may you rest in peace cuz now you are truly “FREEEE…” lol.

Thank you for ALL the classics..you will forever live through your music..

"anD i'm as tRiLL as you caN B..they scream "free piMp C" but NoW see the piMp is fRee."

.*a down.

Today has been a shitty day. So first..my baby is upset, and there's nothing I can really say to bring him out of his funk. I know what can make it better, but that wont come for a couple weeks. Soo its looking like he will be upset till then. Wow..what a blower. Then as the day progresses, I end up gettin into a physical fight with my mom. Yea major blower.
A part of me feels like i should apologize. However, a bigger part of me feels like fuck it..I ain't apologizing for shit. Because for one, I did nothing to deserve her putting her hands on me, and the first time she hit me it took everything in me not to react. But then, she decides to do it again..again for no good reason. So one thing let to another and I ended up victorious..lol.
I feel like she was completely out of line. For one, I do a lot for my mom. Whenever she needs money or anything..I don't ask any questions I tell her come pick it up. I don't ask for my money back either so for her to come at me like I am a child is not acceptable. Second, I have two younger siblings that can be considered children. These two brats talk to her anyway they choose and she never thinks of putting her hands on them, the most she will say is, "ya'll better behave". But I am a grown woman..her child all the same but I am old enough to do whatever I want. For her to try to reprimand me is not gone fly. So we probably won't speak for a couple days..but oh well. If anything she needs to apologize to me..then I will consider apologizing back..LMAo....maybe. I do feel a little bad tho..but I have more anger towards her actions then to feel sorry for her. But I do feel bad for whipping my moms ass..LMAo.

"MoNey MaKe Me Cum..MoNey, MoNey MaKe CuM."

.*my soul.

My hearts on the floor..can you hear it beat?
In and out..watch it decrease.
As I flat line..observe my soul unleash.
The sun is all I gain..my radiance maintains.
Whenever it rains..you'll feel my pain.
The water reflects my smile..beautiful and serene.
As the waves crash..you will lavish in my pleasure.
There's nothing better..the feeling is made to treasure.
The sky is my mind..filled with my dreams.
And when the wind blows..u can faintly hear my screams.
The earth is my foundation..and the stars are my shine.
Indulge in my splendor..as I allow you to dine.

"..DoNt ever Let eM teLL you that you'll Never neeD Me.."

.*bitchassness.

It seems since diddy's makin of the band has invented the term "bitchassness" mad females have took it upon themselves to coin the term. Mad niccaz these days do be on some bitch ass shit. However, the same females tryna call dudes out on their shit need to consider they be the same ones that be on some "bitchassness" as well.
Ladies stop this..no one is perfect and yall hoes be just as bad as these niccaz. Who yall kidding?? I ain't fittin to call no names out..but everyone qouting "bitchassness" needs to hop off da bandwagon..cuz da term applies to some of yall as well. For instance: shady females, females out here using dudes, playin both sides of the fence in any situation, the ones livin in other people's shadow's..the ones that need to say how real, bad, or great they are...that's some real "bitchassness"...LMAo.

"AnD I caN do this shit wit My eyez closed."

.*overview.

Soo I did use to be an avid blogger..however, due to rapid use of word of mouth, and a continual, persistent flow of haters in my business..I discontinued myspace blogging..lol. With seldom or little to no time for my journal these days, I've transitioned back into blogging with more discretion. Plus, I am a Virgo..which means I am a worrier, I am excessively keen to detail, some form of perfectionist, and I analyze..things have to..they MUST make sense to me..lol. Soo, so much shit goes thru my mind at once it's ridiculous..a mini journal won't hurt. This mini journal will provide glimpses into my thoughts and feelings.
Just a taste...*muah*.

"oNe Man..wit No weapoN..at waR..but iM aN ArMy..i kNo..da FuTuRe."